from Can O' Whup-Ass

Hey! It's Governor Palin's Book-Mobile! 

*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***

A big "how the heck are ya" from the gorgeous hamlet of Wasilla, once just a podunk bedroom community to the Mecca that is Anchorage. Now, after the mayorship of a certain born-again pitbull with hockey lipstick (wink, wink), Wasilla is over-run by debt, big box stores, homo-hating mega-churches and the worst meth problems in the state! I am, after all, an agent of "change." LOL!

Oh, don't get your long-johns in a bunch, there's nothing wrong with Wasilla that can't be solved by a good community organizer.

Now a lot of you may have read the rude email that some dreadful democrat lesbian eskimo's been sending hither and yon, spreading all that flapdoodle about some totally rhetorical chit-chats I had with our uppity town librarian (yet another lesbian eskimo—we should call them "lezkimos") in which I rhetorically asked her the following rhetorical question: "If Jesus tells me to hold a book burning in your library, would you bring a zippo or the ACLU?" Well, we all know how a lezkimo's going to answer THAT question. So I rhetorically requested that she pack up her dog sled and mush back to her igloo so she could worship satan on her own dime. Well! You'd have thought I went doody on her mother's grave! Folks made such a fuss!

So I, Sarah Palin, am proud to read this TelePrompTer which announces the creation (NOT the evolution) of the Governor Palin Book-Mobile! Inside, you will find tasteful books about Jesus and guns and period romances about buxom damsels pledging abstinence with their swarthy bodice-ripping boyfriends!

And just to clear up any confusion, I've included a sampling from my ever-growing list of devil-books that we most certainly will NOT be offering (and the reasons why Jesus wants them banned):

CATCHER IN THE RYE: This is the story about a young man who is nice to a hooker, sleeps in a park, eschews materialism and dreams of saving his generation from lives of phony complacency. That's not very Jesus-like, is it?

WHITE FANG: Written by a commie, it's the story of the misbegotten creature born of the unholy union of a wolf and a doggie. Jesus hates unnatural unions. What's more, wolves are messengers of beelzebub, which is why I offered $150 to anyone who could shoot one from an airplane.

CINDERELLA: This pernicious tale encourages our young daughters to shirk their chores, fraternize with fairies, tart themselves up, attend un-chaperoned socials and break curfew. Thank God Bristol never read this story, heaven knows what sort of mischief she could have gotten herself into!

THE LORAX: Dr. Seuss is suspiciously fond of children. Here, he fills their impressionable noggins with poppy-cock about how we should be nice to the environment and fibs about how unfettered industry can destroy the earth. Only a homosexual tree-hugger who hates Jesus (and therefore opposes drilling in ANWR) could concoct such drivel.

FAHRENHEIT 451: This book is chock full of nonsense about how censorship is bad and stuff. Jesus cries when people read this pile of moose-puckies.

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Written by some men who pranced about in wigs and tights, this dangerous work of fiction claims that all men are created equal and dares to suggest that Jesus does not preside over Congress.